“Your husband needs a CABG (coronary artery bypass graft). We’ve scheduled it for tomorrow.” I think I’m in shock. He’s so healthy! How can he suddenly need surgery, and heart surgery at that! I have a lot to think about, but right now I have a lot of calls to be made and arrangements to be seen to. Our trip in a few weeks will have to be canceled. I was looking forward to it, but it will not happen now.
And so my calls begin. I contact family, friends, the travel agent, and our lawyer. I recognize that this is a serious surgery, and who knows how it will come out. It may sound morbid, but I have to be realistic. I hope for the best, and try to plan for the worse.
Good news, the surgery goes well. Within days he is up and walking. He only spends a few days in the CICU (cardiac intensive care unit), then a couple more day in the hospital general rooms.
A friend comes over to help. They give me suggestions for small changes to make in the house. We pick up a mat to put inside the shower to keep him from slipping. Terry bath mats with gripper backing are put in so he will not have to walk on the tile floor and possibly slip. We also pick up an electric blanket to help keep him warm while he sleeps. Surprisingly all these items are more helpful than I expect. And he actually uses the electric blanket for a while.
Since we have a house that actually has grab bars in the showers, and by the toilets, doorways that should be wide enough for wheelchairs, we actually are in good shape.
But as he comes home, even our friend notices the difference in him. They mention it to me after he’s been home just a few days. When I discuss this with him, he doesn’t believe he’s had surgery. He says its as if someone else had it, not him. He’s not delusional, but he definitely is in denial. But it might be denial mixed with something else. Something is off, but it will be a while before we know what.
He begins his cardiac rehab as soon as possible. He insists on driving himself. There’s nothing wrong with him, he’ll tell you so. And he acts as if nothing is wrong. He puts his all into his cardiac rehab and does an excellent job at it. He gets praised for how well he’s doing.
But little problems are cropping up. He’s loosing some of his sense of taste or smell, not sure which. Eating is not something he cares about. Food doesn’t taste the same. And that’s not all.
He’s having trouble with words and his memory. At first its little things. He can’t quite find the name of a person, can’t remember the name of a food. He can feel it, he knows he’s changing. As that matter goes, he even says he worries that he’s losing his memory, and asks what is a person without their memories?
I don’t really have an answer for that. Its easy to say you can always make new memories, but if you can’t remember your experiences, are they memories? I realize that there a people who acquire short term memory loss, but I can’t say I know how they feel. But I wouldn’t doubt they have their questions too.
We try to act as if nothing is wrong. We just go on with life. He notices little things that he forgets, and I just do my best to not make a big deal about them. I just remind him of names, try to help him remember words, laugh it off. I know he feels bad and I don’t really want to make him feel worse. But its beginning to happen more and more. He’s forgetting words, names, and I’m getting worried.
How do you help someone who prides them self on their memory, and yet seems to be slowly losing it? The threat of losing what you remember is like losing who you are. And there is the fear that you can’t stop this, that you are at the mercy of something, that its out of your control.
He’s scared and so am I. What to do? What can we do? Pride can be a hindrance sometimes, its easy to believe that you can get over this on your own. That you don’t need someone else’s help or suggestions. This can be so true.
I think that we like to believe that these things won’t happen to us. They may happen to someone else, but not us. We are immune from these problems, these aches and pains, these troubles or inconveniences. But the fact is they can happen to anyone. And when they happen to you, hard as it may be you have to find a way to deal with it, and a way to accept it.
Those around you may not know how to react. Should they make a fuss? Should they make a joke? Is this just a one off memory lapse or not? Is it just an occasional occurrence, or does it happen frequently? Is it happening more and more frequently? Is it just happening around certain people? Is it just about certain things? Are they just forgetting the names of places, or of people? Would that make it any better or worse to deal with?
When you feel yourself changing how do you handle it? Do you handle it, accept it, or do you fight it? Do you deny it’s happening? Do you find tricks to make it easier to deal with? Do you play games that might help? Literally play brain or mind games that might possibly help? How do you know if they’re working? What do you expect of those around you? Should they help you, force to figure it out on your own?
What do you do?